he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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