he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
