I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
This toilet bowl is my home.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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