Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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