I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
