i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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