my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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