You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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