He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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