Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Terrible idea I love it
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
