Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
