Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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