it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
