how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
