My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
