I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
