I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
