I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
