dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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