Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
