do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
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I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
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She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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