i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
