It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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