im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
