U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
