Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
