I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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