Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
please don't ironically join a cult
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