his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
