if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
