then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
