I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
