I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
