I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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