i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
