hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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