I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
