You're my little dorito
it was like his penis was on wheels.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
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walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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