Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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