how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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