Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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