Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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