I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
