matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
don't judge my taste in strippers
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
