I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize