That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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