Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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