i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
