Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
