apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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