I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
