And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Randomize
