i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
