dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
