Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
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so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
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Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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