if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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