so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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