She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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